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29 June 2007 @ 02:54 am
wrong right don't care мне все ровно!  
i dont' care if i am right and wrong. actually i do becuase i have morals. 3 days without sleep and made plenty of mistakes that i didn't need even if i say i was in a real heavy fog. some of this haze i enjoyed and had wanted for such a long time. i know it is a bad i dea. a real bad idea. a real bad disgusting and immoral and untruthful i dea. but i know i can. and if i can, then why not. why not? because i don't have a reason why not except for a couple of yesses. i'm so tired here. again. i want to go back home. ok not the home that i was born in. but the home i was at. i want to go back to ukraine. i couldn't tell you why. why wouold i want to get sexually harrassed every time i walk out of my house. i don't know. but i want to see my brothers and my sister. and my mother and my father. maybe this has to do with the situation at the moment. just lost and stupid and annoyed with schooling and money and untruthfull shit that always has to revolve around the family name. the name that is just my name and i don't consider blood. how could we all just be a bunch of tailors and turn into THIS. i really miss playing monopoly with my little brother.
it is 10 ocklock there. and i'm still on their time. i love it there. and i never want to leave their time. i want to leave. i don't want to be here. it was nice. and i love everyone. but i'm just. homesick. of a home that i was once forced out of but welcomed back unconditionaly. i want to go back. and if you have the ticket i will leav ein heart beat. i'm not good here. it isn't even the same. we don't have a toast to women and love. maybe it is becuase, my heart is broken into two. or a thousand peices and i really never felt that way before. it just fell. through me through the floor through my window from this town. and it is gone. in the mouths of other girls and really it doesn't even matter. because everything like always is planerides and ocean aways. but it hurts when i think about it. and these fake toasts kind of help me when i think about it. how come i can't help myself here but i could always control myself where toasts were created. because i made every drop count. but here, its like you have to fill up those voids to make it seem like they count. i used to think it was all about the cup. but i realized, htat a few actually care about what is inside the cup. something that is quick and painless and maybe a little stupid and not from the USSR. i'm so bored with myself. all those tricks of hair tousseling have gotten me to the same place. maybe into a couple of new places. but it isn't what i want and i don't know what i want. i like kate moss. i like rochas. i like nice boots and marc jacobs. maybe a nice car ride with kings of leon. but it isn't the same and i can't explain. going to brookline isn't helping. it hurts a little becuase the men are polite and the caviar is really shitty. i know what i will do and it is wrong.

edit

i'm in twirls. there was always that window. always. always. and leather jackets and camels. and now what. and now what. i flew through it. and now what. that is how it went. right through it. and maybe i fluttered a little bit. but now its just closed and gone. my mouth which should have been poisoned earlier, i can only describe it with the russian word позор...i can't even say it in english. basically just shame. but that isn't even up to that level. i mean i'm not that ashmaed. but i am. becuase all of these esthetic and stupid views have gotten me no where...only just to look esthetic and stupid. and so there is goes. when i sleep without a sheild. and go where i always thought i should have gone. it gets me nowhere. only what could have been and what i may have though. it hurts a little bit. a stinging right around my collarbone and throat. and it is just me. maybe i was crazy and it didn't happen. but i swear i heard something. and i swear i felt someone breath. and it hurts that it was all too subtle to maybe catch it. becuase you know. it is always like that. too subtle and too stupid and too esthetic. my third toast is to women. and little girls like me.