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04 January 2008 @ 01:11 pm

am i happy ? yeah kind of? i mean i'm happy about myself in the sense of physical shit. emotionally. no not really? i want to go back to being a stone. that was when i did nothing all day, i drank tea, smoked cigarettes, did not talk to the opposite sex and just looked at kate moss photos. why did it start? well i had a really bad situation with one kid and then i just hated myself and felt not worthy. but at least i didn't have to worry about anyone in that period of time. and now, i just want nothing to do with the opposite sex.

i feel like there is no point of dating. there isn't if you think about it.

you get into these temporary relationships, you will break up eventually, you develop feelings, you most likely have sex, then you are forced to break up or things turn badly and then guess what? you get hurt. you turn into an ugly crying mess. i never want that again. ever. ever. i only want to be with someone if id on't have to worry, if i will get married. i've never felt like this before and i never want to again. i never want to give myself to someone again, ever. i never want to. i never say stuff like this. i never feel like this and it is scaring me that i do. it scares me that i actually care what he does when i frankly don't have to. but when i think about it, stuff that he has said to me, and when i think that he will say it to another girl, i want to throwup, i get sick. i hate my life.

but i love myself
27 December 2007 @ 09:12 am
how can i ask someone to stay when we are closer than an ocean but i've told them to leave a thousand times before.

i can't. i wish it hadn't become morning.

it is just that. he is, was, always here in that way. and now it just isn't the same. i didn't want him to leave because that meant leaving for good but you have to leave sometimes and i left a thousand times and it never phased me. and finally he is leaving for good because he now knows what it is best for him and the both of us but i can't leave. i just stood in the snow and i didn't care. i don't want to move. i didn't want to move. i want him to be happy. i want him to have the world. i am want him to be happy and forget about me. but. i can't. i can't stand to think of him or see him with someone else. for two years, and i just can't think of him. i don't want to be with anyone, i can't think of him. i don't know what i want. and i can't sleep. and i can't eat. and i never cry but i am and it is so weird to me that i care and i don't want to. and it is all over. it is all over. it is all over. no more days of him. no more weekends no more breakfast no more allston no more walking no more smoking no more stupid movie no more. i just want him to walk through this door.

it is really over.
27 December 2007 @ 12:20 am
i didn't want him to leave.
30 August 2007 @ 11:17 pm

26 August 2007 @ 12:48 pm
hi everyone. I just bought a new mac for school but I have one problem, is there a possible shortcut so I do not have to click on the Russian/ English bar to switch languages. I know on Windows XP there was a control shift to easily switch,but I do not know the code for mac. If some could help me, that would be great!


27 July 2007 @ 01:03 am
Ты знаешь что!?!?! Сегодня Я была в McDonald's cо мноей подгугей и Я увидела девучку...Я думала и сказала подгуге что она похоже на русскую девучку. Так, Я слышала как она говорила с мушиной которои работал на McDonald's. Я думала что может быть они говорят Украинсии язык ( похоже). Когда Я пошла со мноей подгугей, Я вежливая спросила , " откуда вы?" Девучка ответала мне " Молдова" Мушина спросил мне " откуда вы?" Я сказала ummmmm Украины" И когда Я сказала это , девучка дала мне УЖАСНИИ ВЗГЛЯД. Ну так, мушина был вежливий и спросил где жила, " в алуште".
не знаю интересно. но я так боялась!!!!!! такой взгляд, потом я просто с подгугей избегала от туда :-x . Даже моя подруга заметала ее взгляд..
02 July 2007 @ 09:04 pm
да толстая, ты читал правильно. я стала тольстей девучкей!!! я ненавижу себя чут чут!! я видела фотографи себя когда я только приехала в Алушту и все джинси были моего размера, и сейчас мне надо купить 29 размера. я стыдно.....я тоже знаю что другие девучки бы сказали " не надо переживать об этом...ты худая..." ну так..я переживаю. но на другой стороне.....я похудела когда приехала в америку......для этого я счастливая..... fuck. еще как всегда.... хочу
29 June 2007 @ 05:17 pm
лучше сеичас если я пишу по русскии каждыи день...... ты знаешь............ я покрасила волоси и вооюще ужас.... я ненавижу и слышком темно... сегодня я собрала по кухне и чистала и я нашла документы школы>...ну так... университета. мне нужно было эти документы давно.... там я могу выбрать свои соседку ( я буду жить с ней ) и тоже было уроки которыи мне нужно выбрала....

фЫВаофлдоадлывоафыбьтафьбцтадяыватфлдвоа флдвыоалд фывоалдывоадлывоа почему
Current Music: 5nizza
i dont' care if i am right and wrong. actually i do becuase i have morals. 3 days without sleep and made plenty of mistakes that i didn't need even if i say i was in a real heavy fog. some of this haze i enjoyed and had wanted for such a long time. i know it is a bad i dea. a real bad idea. a real bad disgusting and immoral and untruthful i dea. but i know i can. and if i can, then why not. why not? because i don't have a reason why not except for a couple of yesses. i'm so tired here. again. i want to go back home. ok not the home that i was born in. but the home i was at. i want to go back to ukraine. i couldn't tell you why. why wouold i want to get sexually harrassed every time i walk out of my house. i don't know. but i want to see my brothers and my sister. and my mother and my father. maybe this has to do with the situation at the moment. just lost and stupid and annoyed with schooling and money and untruthfull shit that always has to revolve around the family name. the name that is just my name and i don't consider blood. how could we all just be a bunch of tailors and turn into THIS. i really miss playing monopoly with my little brother.
it is 10 ocklock there. and i'm still on their time. i love it there. and i never want to leave their time. i want to leave. i don't want to be here. it was nice. and i love everyone. but i'm just. homesick. of a home that i was once forced out of but welcomed back unconditionaly. i want to go back. and if you have the ticket i will leav ein heart beat. i'm not good here. it isn't even the same. we don't have a toast to women and love. maybe it is becuase, my heart is broken into two. or a thousand peices and i really never felt that way before. it just fell. through me through the floor through my window from this town. and it is gone. in the mouths of other girls and really it doesn't even matter. because everything like always is planerides and ocean aways. but it hurts when i think about it. and these fake toasts kind of help me when i think about it. how come i can't help myself here but i could always control myself where toasts were created. because i made every drop count. but here, its like you have to fill up those voids to make it seem like they count. i used to think it was all about the cup. but i realized, htat a few actually care about what is inside the cup. something that is quick and painless and maybe a little stupid and not from the USSR. i'm so bored with myself. all those tricks of hair tousseling have gotten me to the same place. maybe into a couple of new places. but it isn't what i want and i don't know what i want. i like kate moss. i like rochas. i like nice boots and marc jacobs. maybe a nice car ride with kings of leon. but it isn't the same and i can't explain. going to brookline isn't helping. it hurts a little becuase the men are polite and the caviar is really shitty. i know what i will do and it is wrong.


i'm in twirls. there was always that window. always. always. and leather jackets and camels. and now what. and now what. i flew through it. and now what. that is how it went. right through it. and maybe i fluttered a little bit. but now its just closed and gone. my mouth which should have been poisoned earlier, i can only describe it with the russian word позор...i can't even say it in english. basically just shame. but that isn't even up to that level. i mean i'm not that ashmaed. but i am. becuase all of these esthetic and stupid views have gotten me no where...only just to look esthetic and stupid. and so there is goes. when i sleep without a sheild. and go where i always thought i should have gone. it gets me nowhere. only what could have been and what i may have though. it hurts a little bit. a stinging right around my collarbone and throat. and it is just me. maybe i was crazy and it didn't happen. but i swear i heard something. and i swear i felt someone breath. and it hurts that it was all too subtle to maybe catch it. becuase you know. it is always like that. too subtle and too stupid and too esthetic. my third toast is to women. and little girls like me.
04 May 2007 @ 02:39 pm
umm only like one month and i am out of here. i kind of don't want to come back. there are split seconds when i am like "i never want to leave! i want to marry a ruski and have babies in moskva!" but then there are times, when my sister is a *^&^%$(^$& and then i am just like, i can't wait to get out of here.

i can't believe i am going to school. so happy. or not. this is going to call for second hand rummaging a la newbury street. MEH. i have the shittiest allergies right now. oh well. AHHH. i want to go to yalta again.

06 March 2007 @ 11:21 am
The other day I was sitting next to Nactia Serova in Russian Literature. I glanced over to the paper she was drawing on. There was a picture of a girl. In a car. With the conversation bubble shouting " Coco Shanell".

Somethings are international.

Я сидела рядом Настий. Я смотрила что она написала на бумаге. девойчке в машине. Девоичка кричает " коко чанелл" Класс...да?

I was in Yalta with Yula and моя мама ( не настоящия ) not my real mother...I love Yalta....

How come I buy the best stuff from the bababababushkas...I bought a pair of Yugoslavian leather boots with a tiny heel. They smell a little U.S.S.R but they are soooooo bomb ass. They are better than the ones that I bought from ebay 2 years ago that now have a hole in the back. Oh Ukraine. Oh Ukraine. You have not died yet. Besides those 0 ghryvnas went to a good cause. As the babuska put it "It is a kilogram of sausage!"

я еше люблююююююю чемпионе!!!

But it is ok. Right? Oh by the way for the people that read this (probably which is only jill ) the questions marks are russian words that probably couldn't agree with myspace. or something. hope fully it doesn't happen again. but yeah. I have no money. I mean I do. But that is like 10 ghryvnas which will go towards with Shan today. and then 5 ghryna that will go towards fish in a can. They have the best fish in a can here. I want Yalta againnnnnn.

дай мне, пожалуйста!!!

I do'nt want to come back. Maybe for 5 seconds to indulge in a Jays Heart. Visit Second Time around on Newbury Street with Jill. See my mama. Relive the Yeah Yeah Yeahs all over again ( I place that on the top 3 perfect moments of my life...) Go the the District with weenie and Jill.

может быть....я не хочу домой!!!

ladnnnnaaa paka
02 March 2007 @ 11:47 am
hey everyone just here typibng. i'm too lazy to do a russian entry.

besides no one would understand harharharhadkljfhaldks.
basically today was AN EXCELLENT day.
school we got out at about 10 oclock...why? because of quarentine bitches. yup quarentine. 30 percent of the school has the flu, поетому there fore we do not have school till march 22nd. so i basically got out of school, gave kisses and hugs. and left. i saw sergei and bila, sergei hates me thatis a given. but i don't care, i'm sick of ukrainian rude men. except. for

mark. the champion of the world of some type of chinese martial arts. who is barrel chested and who's face is .. very

attractive. why do i like him? because when i first met him, he introduced him self to me and he didn't know who i was. which i liked, everyone here knows me as the american girl who doesn't look american but likeagypsytatarukrainian. so i liked that. and he is smart, very smart. his german is very very good. i just like him because he is not my type and ect, maybe i need a change. besides the only person i have liked her in Ura from Uma2rman group. becaue he has a tat on his back and has a beard. but, he is on the tv and i am this town. i'm such a little girl. whenever i see the champion of the world...oh well. why do i also like ukraine...because my hair looks cooll today and i can whatever the fuck i want in russian and i love the language. i'm coming back aright after i leave,....arrrlight. i'm going to yalta on sunday with yula which i am happy about. yesterday at jillybilly or how ever the hell you spell it, we disected the relationship of alona and her 22 year old boy friend. they have been together for 4 years. there for she met him when she was 13 or 14 and he was 18 or 17. that is kind of gross. oh well. she has ammmmazing clothes. the only reason i have an inkling of want to come back, is to go to boston with jill. and then come back here., i don't want to come home. i don't want to. i don't want to. ahhhh. i love ukraine. i do love this town. i do love yalta. i want to be in KIEV right now.

ok by i'm going to go to sasha at the freschette.

i love you all. i love you. but

i love you!

Current Mood: happyhappy
31 January 2007 @ 06:12 pm
And put them on display.

I'm multilingual but even if I told you in 40 languages, you would never understand it is the end. Because it is and it always was. This is what I have become, I'm don't wait for anyone but I am late for everyone. And that is the way I like it.

The thing about Ukraine, it has made me into a woman, or just a very aware and cleaned up version of a girl. I came here and within a month I realized the shit my sister was pulling, and it really wasn't shit, it is just how she is, a comptetive young girl. And then I realized, it isn't that she is pretty, it is because she holds her back straight and head up high. Her clothes are clean and she smells like a pretty flower. And she can play the game well beyond her years. Or well beyond my years.

But it seems, that I have forgotten that I am Ukrainian. Ukrainian blood that has traveled from Kiev, to horse drawn wagons and bound mouths in Poland, eventually to France and finally to Chelsea. And here I am sitting in this fucking country where I was kicked out of in the first place. But enough of that, to make it short, I've learned to utilize my (not so) Ukrainian roots and give hugs and kisses on cheeks.

But yeah. I have a question, to anyone that reads this journal. Is it so bad that I am Jewish. Do you want to kill me, stick a knife in me, or put a gun to my head. Do you want to kill me furture children, burn down my house, maybe skin my cat. I don't know. I couldn't tell you what I did that was wrong. Oh wait, I was born and I want your money and I want the world, oh yes I forgot to say, I have a secret society of other Jewish people to burn your children and make them into Matzah. So it is out, the secret is out. But seriously, I don't know what I did. Just don't tell me that you hate jews, and then ask me out on a date, I hate that.

Ya stidno? Ya ne znaio. Procto, ya ne znaio. Cechas, ya govoro ya doych ot Mohammady, ya doytch ot Xristo, e konechno nyet Avraham. Pochemy? potomy shto, ya boyuc. Ecle te evreka v Ukraine, ti ne bi boyusha todge?
Current Location: 5Nizza
Current Mood: amusedamused
10 January 2007 @ 04:16 pm
I hate internet cafes. I've had it with about all of them in this small Crimean town. In this cafe, моя обычно кафе, there are about 10 men drinking beer playing fucking counterstrike. 6 out of 10 asked me out. I feel very comftorable here. The other one I went to today, it is just a man and I ( I'm so smart, but I needed to finish an essay ). He stands just a little to close and I found an OPEN vagina on the computer. If Jill was there,

" OHHH GAWWWWWWWD, WHAT IS THIS." So that made the situation laughable. Other than many drunk men and open vaginas. I can say I love it here.

I have a crush on the cook/motorcyle boy. I'm such a shit when it comes to stuff like this. Ugh. I remember lots of шампангски, and stuff like that. But really though, the men/boys maybe me ill. There is no respect. I'm an object. You can touch me where you want. You can stop your car in the middle of the road. You can grab my boob when you are selling me a wrap. You can even grab me and not let go. It is nice. Being violated and no one giving a shit. I like it very much. You can offer me your pistachio nuts and champagne, no wait, shove champagne in my face. I bought black pants. I need heels, boots. I want to go to Kyiv.

H.O.V.A. I used to push snowflakkkkkessss. I love Jay Z. I also love Uma2rman.

все пака
04 January 2007 @ 07:32 pm
In America I was one of the few who did not have a cellphone, meaning the homeless man on the street didn't have a cell phone either. But my whole school did! It did create some problems, my friends did receive some pissed calls from my father wondering where I was ect. So now that I am in Ukraine, I want a damn cellphone ( after about three years ). The cellphones aren't terrible expensive, I'm looking to pay about 50 dollars, maybe 60 inculding the magnetic card and five dollars worth of 30 minutes for my starting. I need one becuase :

-It would be easier to call my parents in America than on my host family's phone, I hate doing that.
-I can call my host family if I will be late
-I can call my host sister if I tell her I am going out of Roger
-Ect Ect.

But, of course, my host sister, Marsha, Yula whatever one wants to call her, keeps on repeating to me that I do not need one. Well why does she need one? The only thing she does is text boys and notifies her mother of where she is or going, nothing too amazing. My theory, why does Yula not want me to get a cellphone, because of this: there have been boy asking for my mobile phone number, and of course I do not have one. If I get a cellphone, that means I will be texting boys just like Yula does everysinglefuckingminute and therefore that is a threat to her, if boys like me, that is a threat. So fuck her. I'm going to by a cellphone. If I want to drop a foresaken 60$ then fuck it, it isn't her problem, her phone was over 100$. I'm sick and tired of being the played the stupid American idiot. I'm learning to play this game, the competitive game. In America, I didn't care, becuase I just didn't, it wasn't a problem. I didn't need too. But suddenly when I arrive to the Ukraine and notice things like when I am in a crowd of boys and make a funny joke and then notice girls pulling down their shirts to show cleavage, then I realize that this is the game. This is how the female mind works, everywhere in the world, in Ukraine it is just more noticeable. I'm sick of it. I'm going to get a phone and fuck you if I want to give my number out. Becuase that is exactly what I will do. I don't care if you kneed to show you tits because you are threatened. Oh, and I didn't mention that my 8 year old brother rececived a cellphone for Christmas. So I, a 17 year old girl, often pryed upon by less than polite Ukrainain men when I am walking home at 7 at night, doesn't need a cellphone. Ok then, there is logic.

But really though, I just want a phone. I want to call my mother in America, call my counselor at school, and of course, have a way toooo have connnntact with the ouuuuutside woooooorld.

Jill I hope you appreciate this crazy shit I conjured up in my head. But please, am I crazy, or is this true?
Current Music: idiot pilot
27 December 2006 @ 09:53 am
I look good. Oh so good. I bought Oj Simpson gloves today with a fur inside.

Tonight it is the discccco. No school dva nedelia. Oh I had a weird dream that the cook boy neighbor that I like was wearing a leopord coat and asked me why my boots were dirty.

my sister isn't a bitch. it is just that we live together. my little brother on the other hand...
Current Music: go team
14 December 2006 @ 11:12 am
so we got the internet back in the house. thank you lord. because i do not enjoy being in a crowded interent with less than polite older ukrainian men. it makes me feel a little dirty when they offer me pistachios or a walk home. i can do without. but. it is not fun when i have to apply to college/post grad schools and my little fucking brother is on my ass asking me when i'm going to get off the computer because he wants to play a fucking shitty shooting shit game called counterstrike. it isn't a great feeling. and i just yelled at him. am i a terrible person. i just need to apply to school and get in. i don't want to live at home. i don't want to take a year off. i want to go to school. but it is hard to concentrate when it is your little brother over your shoulder repeating and asking about a shooting game. WWII isn't going to break out again, he doesn't need fucking practice with shooting guns. what he should/needs to do is his russian homework. but no. he won't.

oh and cool news. i got my jacket tailored today. how cool. and it won't b e ready till monday. and on saturday we are going to roger. SO YEAH. i'm going to look like an asshole with a really cool snow jacket in a sea full of nice tailored black long jackets. whatever.

think ukrainian style.


wow what a self confidence boost. i'm feeling better by the moment!
Current Location: сука-Ville
Current Mood: плохо
Current Music: whales
05 December 2006 @ 10:44 am
The Ukrainians have a wonderful system of mail.

I like it when fucking Boris from Kiev calls me and tells me that my medicine will be a problem. Ok, along with my clothes, notes, Russian cd's and more. Already there was alot of money paid to get this fucking package here, and they are asking me to pay 200 dollars.

Lets think of this rationally. I didn't think they would have medicine here similar to concerta, afterall this is the Ukraine. I brokeout in a allergic reaction, went to the doctors, and she told me to put something up my butt to clean out the infection. I doubted that they would have the medication here, and even if they did, I wouldn't trust it.

So I say, why can't they open up the package and throw away the medicine and just send me the clothes. Nope, no can do. That is ridiculous, to make me pay 200 dollars on a small package.

Really though, the only thing I want is my jacket, note from Jill and my learn Russian book. Prosto. Nyett. Eta beet ochen trudna, konechna. Nicho rabota. Bce derma. So today, I'm going ot be a cunt, call UPS, call the Embassy, though they probably can't do shit. I'm going to be a bitch. I'm obichna nyet sioka. Usually I'm a nice girl, I let all of the pushy babushkas cut infront of me at the magazina after I've been waiting for 10 minutes. Fucking shit. I can't find any clothes here that I actually like. I hate going to Rinoks, I think they make me nauseous. I never find anything, but koneshna, moya cectpa finds almost EVERYTHING. everytime.

otherwise. apart from clothes. apart from babushkas and knockout sisters.

I'm doing fine. I recite poems and draw russian poets for teachers. I actually understand math. I can think of stuff to write for applications. I like to dance. For once in my life. I go to bed early, I've learned how to straighten my hair and not wear makeup. Yes, life is nice. I dream and think in Russian.

Yet I still don't know the alphabet.
29 November 2006 @ 11:20 am
what to do what to say. i helped dj ruslan "choot choot", danced on the dj booth and most importantly looked at myself dancing in the mirror. yes, i finally do not care how my gawky non sexual hips move.

i've fallen in love. with russian poet Sergei Esenin. i learned to clean my boots the other day.

i'll write something more interesting woo hoo.
25 November 2006 @ 09:34 am
ok ok ok. meghane's livejournal made me want to write also. basically, i can say i'm doing fine, i'm alive and can communicate in russian. i suck at math and my ukrainian teacher probably doesn't fancy me all to much. but she will. i have friends, i have a sister and two brothers. crimean tatars seem to like me and every 9 year old boy smokes cigarettes. i met an american peace core lady from new york the other day.
Current Music: strokes
17 July 2006 @ 11:54 pm
i got a four on the ap exam

mhm. i like that.

olive gardenia
12 July 2006 @ 03:34 pm
I really have no idea what to write. I'm just excited to live life to it's fullest.
Current Music: American Wife - Rilo Kiley
09 July 2006 @ 01:06 pm
Hello there. Or привет. Here you can learn about a young girls exciting adventures throughout the Ukrainian fields of wheat. Rude policemen. Slow trolleybusses. Ruder men. Expensive phonecalls. You know the deal.

1/2 Friends....1/2 Public

Comment to Be Added
Current Music: carina round